I <3 ME

The other day I was at the Pride Parade in Amsterdam and I got this t-shirt that says "I <3 MEN" but the N had a scribble through it so it read "I <3 ME". When I saw the shirt I knew it was perfect for me at this point in my life; my new motto. Most of my adult life I spent obsessing about men; what they would want from me, how to keep them, how to make them happy, and all the while I was quite miserable. Sure in the beginning it was nice, I did everything they liked and they did everything I liked but that only lasts for a short time. Its not until after you pass that wonderful honeymoon stage that you know whether or not you are compatible. And most of the time your not because who people represent themselves to be at the beginning is rarely who they are.
I always thought that I was different; that I came to the table exactly who I would always be, but even that's not true. When I am with someone I make them my everything and it gets exhausting. Then I sit and wonder why I get frustrated when they don't reciprocate. But how can they, how can I expect that from anyone especially myself. It is such a harsh demand to ask someone to be the source of your happiness. However, I have found that I have asked for that and more in the name of love.
Writing about it now it seems so silly. Why would you ask someone to love another more than themselves. I know I know better but somewhere, somehow I got it all mixed up. So I am going to use this motto until I get it right again. Cuz its great to love men, its easy. But to love me, to be true to what I want and determined to create my own happiness; well there's a challenge I look forward to conquering during this chapter of my life. So here's to lovin' me!!!
And for those reading, here's to you making you #1 everyday!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The little things

I have been hanging in Europe for a month and a half now and I have been to serval places and seen such great fun sights but through it all I am still very much me. There haven't been any major changes that I can see. I feel a lot of little differences, like I have found comfort eating alone in a foreign country at 930 at night.  I look forward to getting lost in a new place where I don't know the language and am forced to figure out the map and streets.  I have found a new appreciation for art and museums.  I have learned how to say "why not" instead of "how about we say we did and don't." I have learned to talk less and listen more. I have learned how to stop thinking about it and just get it in my body and move. I am so grateful for these lessons and look forward to more to come. :)

Fountains

So anyone who knows me knows how much I love fountains. I think it has something to do with the loveliness of their structure. They are strong, sturdy and yet water which can take any shape runs through it seamlessly. Today I happened upon Russell Square's fountain which seems to bubble up from the floor itself. I was struck but its simple beauty. I decided to sit and watch the city pass by: mothers with strollers, business women, tourists, couples and pigeons. I know what your thinking but you have to see these pigeons with their gloriously colorful heads range from hunter greens, royal purples, electric pinks, and deep burgundys. They even sound different. They have a more guttural, robust sound that shares nothing with the melodic coos we hear in NY. It was really a beautiful moment to be able to take that all in before I headed to the student center for a 5 hour writing session :) Go London!!!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

See ya later not Goodbye

So I leave tomorrow/today on a 2 month adventure in Europe. I have been wanting to take this trip for over 6 years. Finally I was able to make it happen with a study abroad opportunity through my school and the help and support of my parents. As I sit here and write, there are myriad of emotions flowing through to my fingertips. Sadness for all the friends and family that I will miss while I'm away. I am nervous because some of the countries I will be visiting I have never been before and I don't speak the native language. Excitement in anticipation of all the new and wonderful things I will see. I am hopeful that this trip and its separation of everything I have ever known, will bring me closer to discovering who I am and who I want to be.
I am thankful for modern technology, b/c it allows me to still stay in contact with everyone even from across the pond. So be on the lookout b/c I plan to take many pictures and fill all your in-boxes with my internal musings, lol.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Best Laid Plans

Today, I had planned a vacation day because I was invited to a function I was really excited to be apart of. Unfortunately a couple of months back, the person who had invited me and I, got into a huge fight and needless to say I wont be there today. The crazy thing is I am a big planner, so months ago I knew what I wanted to bring to the event and what I would have worn. I was sooo excited and couldn't wait because I was going to share in something that was truly awesome with someone I thought was amazing. So flash-forward to today when I was talking to my mother, who said something thought provoking as usual; she said we have to accept our circumstances not as a victim but as a victor. Understand that we are exactly where we are suppose to be in the grand scheme of things and that each action even the disappointing ones are there to help you progress. The idea is to take pride in it all, good and bad, because it makes you who you are. And I understand what she is saying but I think we can all agree that is a very tall order. I think we mostly have difficulty with it because in order to achieve that type of mindset you have to really be able to give it to God and not stand in the way. All to often we stand in our own way, trying to do what we think has to be done in order for us to breath, live, love, etc. We get so wrapped up in our plans, goals, deadlines that when things don't go according to the plan we become lost. This event was a big deal for me, maybe more than it should have been and I am finding it hard to accept that me not being there is the best thing in the long run.

So my question to the group, is what do you do when your plans don't go... well, as planned